Well the crash diet worked until I started eating again - SHOCKER. And while starving myself allowed me to shed the bloat, I still needed some assistance to get into the dress that ended up to be TOO SMALL TO BEGIN WITH.
That's right folks, I wasn't a chunky mc-chunkerson who couldn't fit into her dress because she went on a depressive eating spiral. Another bridesmaid had the same problem, and she WAS one of those girls. We could only conclude that some bitch at the bridal store had it out for us. I also remembered that the only time the dress had ever fit me was when I had mono and was actually starving.
Life's a bitch and so are sales assistants.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Newest Guilty Pleasure
Watching The Biggest Loser while eating dinner and drinking wine.
Muwuahahahah. My diet starts tomorrow BITCHES!
Muwuahahahah. My diet starts tomorrow BITCHES!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Guilt
What do Catholics and Jews have in common? Guilt. Guilt is constantly with us, if not from our mothers (Jewish), our Fathers (Catholic). We are guilty folks. Though, my guilt never stopped me from eating anything, it only made me feel horrible afterwards. Maybe its the lack of food to the brain but I can only assume that guilt played a role in what just occured....
My day has blown. Work totally sucks and I feel overwhelmed. I really didn't give a fuck about anything. So when I started craving a baked item from the bakery down the street, nothing was really going to stop me from consuming it. But when I walked into the bakery, I couldn't decided what I wanted. I couldn't pin my craving on one item. So I picked up some yogurt and granola?!?! Then I was like, what I am doing?! I'm in a bakery for chrissakes, I need to get smart and get a brownie STAT. Instead, I got a banana? And was happy about it? I don't know what's going on, but someone upstairs really wants me to be in this wedding on Saturday.
Sheesh, what is the world coming to.
My day has blown. Work totally sucks and I feel overwhelmed. I really didn't give a fuck about anything. So when I started craving a baked item from the bakery down the street, nothing was really going to stop me from consuming it. But when I walked into the bakery, I couldn't decided what I wanted. I couldn't pin my craving on one item. So I picked up some yogurt and granola?!?! Then I was like, what I am doing?! I'm in a bakery for chrissakes, I need to get smart and get a brownie STAT. Instead, I got a banana? And was happy about it? I don't know what's going on, but someone upstairs really wants me to be in this wedding on Saturday.
Sheesh, what is the world coming to.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Sabatoge
It was a wedding weekend and I had already decided that I was going to eat at the reception. Trying to say no and eat yet another salad with chicken breast on it was not an option. It was not however a mexican monday, but that did not stop me from eating some chicken fajitas last night after downing two margaritas. If I was a good little girl, I would be starving myself today. But I am very bad and ate breakfast and lunch all before 1pm. Granted breakfast was kashi, and lunch was soup with a can of tuna, but that's still probably more calories consumed in an entire day in the developing world. If you're going to get real skinny to need to follow the people who have been there in the real world!
Eating so early though kinda screws me. With no snacks in sight until dinner, dinner being the famous chicken breast on a bed of greens, I'm going to starving. Usually the starving factor would be fine except I'm meeting a colleague for drinks.
My definition of drinks is two cocktails before dinner. For one of those girls, it means dinner. For me trying to be one of those girls, it means diet suicide. I am of Irish heritage which means I have a hard time turning off the drinking switch once its been set to all systems go. Not only that, but when you're full steam ahead with a few cold ones down the hatch, you tend to reach for the most convenient dining choices. Though I will be at a wine bar, the word bar is still in the name of the establishment which means they still serve nuts, pizza, and burgers. No amount of gum or vitapills can really fight off drunken urges.
Eating so early though kinda screws me. With no snacks in sight until dinner, dinner being the famous chicken breast on a bed of greens, I'm going to starving. Usually the starving factor would be fine except I'm meeting a colleague for drinks.
My definition of drinks is two cocktails before dinner. For one of those girls, it means dinner. For me trying to be one of those girls, it means diet suicide. I am of Irish heritage which means I have a hard time turning off the drinking switch once its been set to all systems go. Not only that, but when you're full steam ahead with a few cold ones down the hatch, you tend to reach for the most convenient dining choices. Though I will be at a wine bar, the word bar is still in the name of the establishment which means they still serve nuts, pizza, and burgers. No amount of gum or vitapills can really fight off drunken urges.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Good News/Bad News
Good News: I lost 4 pounds.
Bad News: There is a bomb threat outside my office.
If I gave up carbs and get blown up, somebody is getting sued! If I don't die thin then the terrorists have won! Viva la weight loss!
Bad News: There is a bomb threat outside my office.
If I gave up carbs and get blown up, somebody is getting sued! If I don't die thin then the terrorists have won! Viva la weight loss!
Same Diff
Co-worker: Are you still on the crash diet or just eating healthy?
Me: What's the difference?
Me: What's the difference?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The idiocy means its working
Dieting makes you absolutely retarded.
I think instead of losing fat, I'm losing brain cells. I allowed myself a half cup of mixed berries today with my lunch. That was my "dessert." Don't get me wrong, I do actually love fruit but it is no dessert. Desserts are completely man made - they do not exist in nature. They cannot be picked from a tree or harvested or need to be washed before eating. Desserts are things that contain obscene amounts of butter, sugar, cream, and fat. Desserts give you a feeling of indulgent guilt after you eat them. I don't crave an apple at 4 in the afternoon with a cup of coffee. We don't cut into big pieces of banana at weddings! I never feel bad about eating watermelon. Come on!
Fruit is not a dessert. I might not be eating anything, but its no dessert item.
Well my non-dessert "dessert" item totally pulled one over on me. I was looking for it on my desk, wanting to nosh on the last of the raspberries. Then I realized it wasn't on my desk, because I had put it away because I finished eating it moments earlier.
I'm an idiot.
I think instead of losing fat, I'm losing brain cells. I allowed myself a half cup of mixed berries today with my lunch. That was my "dessert." Don't get me wrong, I do actually love fruit but it is no dessert. Desserts are completely man made - they do not exist in nature. They cannot be picked from a tree or harvested or need to be washed before eating. Desserts are things that contain obscene amounts of butter, sugar, cream, and fat. Desserts give you a feeling of indulgent guilt after you eat them. I don't crave an apple at 4 in the afternoon with a cup of coffee. We don't cut into big pieces of banana at weddings! I never feel bad about eating watermelon. Come on!
Fruit is not a dessert. I might not be eating anything, but its no dessert item.
Well my non-dessert "dessert" item totally pulled one over on me. I was looking for it on my desk, wanting to nosh on the last of the raspberries. Then I realized it wasn't on my desk, because I had put it away because I finished eating it moments earlier.
I'm an idiot.
The F Word
In land of femaledom, women are either skinny or fat, period. If you're not skinny, you're fat. If you're not fat, you're probably not skinny. And if you're skinny, you're probably not eating.
There is no in between, gray area, or questioning this system. The lines are very clear: fat or skinny.
If you hate a girl, she is by default fat. Even if she's a size two, she is automatically a fat whore that you hate. All of your friends will agree with you on this. Because using the f word is serious business.
Your friends are NEVER fat. They are either skinny, not fat, or "fine." Fine is the response you give to a non-skinny but not non-fat friend when she starts complaining about her weight. You tell her she looks fine and quickly change the subject. If you hated this friend you would call her fat, because that's what she probably is. In each friend group there is always the skinny one and the fat one. For those girl groups, you know THOSE girls who are all skinny bitches, they still have the fat one. The fat one who claims she is a 4 when really she is a 6. The fat one who actually has an ass. For the rest of us girls the fat one in the group probably is a girl who is fat. But you never, ever, EVER tell her that. I know I sound like a bitch writing this post, but I'm speaking the cold, hard, fatty truth.
Men can never say the f word, or even discuss your weight, or even mention the fact that you if you stepped on a scale that the numbers would in fact move. Women want to be weightless in the eyes of men. And smart men, NEVER bring up weight, because once you do that phrase will be forever ingrained in the mind of that woman. She will be able to provide you with a direct quote of what you said for YEARS to come. This, of course, is not a problem if you are a complete asshole, but if you don't want to be held to a 5 word sentence for the rest of your life, don't speak on the subject.
There is no in between, gray area, or questioning this system. The lines are very clear: fat or skinny.
If you hate a girl, she is by default fat. Even if she's a size two, she is automatically a fat whore that you hate. All of your friends will agree with you on this. Because using the f word is serious business.
Your friends are NEVER fat. They are either skinny, not fat, or "fine." Fine is the response you give to a non-skinny but not non-fat friend when she starts complaining about her weight. You tell her she looks fine and quickly change the subject. If you hated this friend you would call her fat, because that's what she probably is. In each friend group there is always the skinny one and the fat one. For those girl groups, you know THOSE girls who are all skinny bitches, they still have the fat one. The fat one who claims she is a 4 when really she is a 6. The fat one who actually has an ass. For the rest of us girls the fat one in the group probably is a girl who is fat. But you never, ever, EVER tell her that. I know I sound like a bitch writing this post, but I'm speaking the cold, hard, fatty truth.
Men can never say the f word, or even discuss your weight, or even mention the fact that you if you stepped on a scale that the numbers would in fact move. Women want to be weightless in the eyes of men. And smart men, NEVER bring up weight, because once you do that phrase will be forever ingrained in the mind of that woman. She will be able to provide you with a direct quote of what you said for YEARS to come. This, of course, is not a problem if you are a complete asshole, but if you don't want to be held to a 5 word sentence for the rest of your life, don't speak on the subject.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Transatlantic Office Support
Me: "Ugh, I have such a headache."
LA Babe: "The headache means it's working."
Me: "Werd."
LA Babe: "You should try that cayenne pepper, lemonade cleanse. Apparently Beyonce lost like 22 pounds on it. Basically you only drink a mixture of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup for like 10 days. People in my office agree its the best way to drop a ton of weight really quickly."
Me: "OMG, I would totally puke."
LA Babe: "And that's a bad thing?"
Me: "Werd."
LA Babe: "The headache means it's working."
Me: "Werd."
LA Babe: "You should try that cayenne pepper, lemonade cleanse. Apparently Beyonce lost like 22 pounds on it. Basically you only drink a mixture of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup for like 10 days. People in my office agree its the best way to drop a ton of weight really quickly."
Me: "OMG, I would totally puke."
LA Babe: "And that's a bad thing?"
Me: "Werd."
Diet Pill Training Wheels
My AM couples jog did not happen this morning because I seriously injured myself in my 60 minute cycle class last night. I had this horrible twinge in my upper thigh for the rest of the evening, deeming me ineligible for the run. It was probably some fat ripping off of my leg or something. Me + 60 min cycle = leg injuries and one sore vag.
BF decided to run though. He hasn't been working out either, and he had a look of pain and horror when he returned. I was a little concerned when he wouldn't give me verbal responses to some basic questions: "Do you want breakfast? Are you ok? What did you really think about the new 90210?" At the end of this little experiment one of us is probably going die. Hopefully, we'll die thin!!
So I decided to take a poor man's diet pill - "Weight Sharp: A multi-vitamin for dieters!" It basically has some green tea extract in which apparently "increases metabolism." I think it's a bunch of bullshit but I'm totally drinking the kool aid. Plus, I was too scared to get a real diet pill so this is like diet pill training wheels.
I think they should make diet sleeping pills. Really intense sleeping pills that make you sleep for multiple days so you can't eat. You'd be like a bear hibernating in the woods of starvation. I could pass out right now. My EGCG is NOT pepping me up like I thought it would. Though I do feel a little light-headed, no wonder those girls are complete bitches, they're hungry and can't think straight.
BF decided to run though. He hasn't been working out either, and he had a look of pain and horror when he returned. I was a little concerned when he wouldn't give me verbal responses to some basic questions: "Do you want breakfast? Are you ok? What did you really think about the new 90210?" At the end of this little experiment one of us is probably going die. Hopefully, we'll die thin!!
So I decided to take a poor man's diet pill - "Weight Sharp: A multi-vitamin for dieters!" It basically has some green tea extract in which apparently "increases metabolism." I think it's a bunch of bullshit but I'm totally drinking the kool aid. Plus, I was too scared to get a real diet pill so this is like diet pill training wheels.
I think they should make diet sleeping pills. Really intense sleeping pills that make you sleep for multiple days so you can't eat. You'd be like a bear hibernating in the woods of starvation. I could pass out right now. My EGCG is NOT pepping me up like I thought it would. Though I do feel a little light-headed, no wonder those girls are complete bitches, they're hungry and can't think straight.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Only Diet Pills and Water until Prom!
Ok so this is not a blog to give you inspiration about dieting. This is a blog about those girls, and how I've become one of them....for a short time. You know, one of THOSE girls. Those girls in high school who would diet before prom, or throw up there, or get an abortion later...or all three. Those girls who in college did coke to stay thin, still threw up, and had abortions. Those girls who were always on some crazy ass diet willing to sacrifice anything to be thin, and usually were. Well, I'm not one of those girls but I've run into a situation in which I need to channel their crazy discipline and disregard for health, to put vanity above hunger and normalcy, and to give up booze only because its extra cals.
For reasons that we do not need to go into, I gained some weight recently. Usually I would start dieting and exercise per usual and get over it. However, I have some time constraints to my weight loss due to a wedding that I'm in next weekend. This is not just me feeling bad about myself spurring this sudden weight loss, but my inability to completely zip my bridesmaids dress closed. This is weight loss for survival, because if I cannot wear this dress in two weeks, the bride may in fact kill me. So saddle up ladies, its time to get hungry and the only thing that is going to get me through it is this blog.
Rather than take the bulimic, pill popping, or coke snorting routes, I have decided to settle for some good old fashioned mild anorexia. Making myself throw up is only something I reserve for when I've had too much to drink; diet pills would give me too much anxiety about accidental overdoses ala Heath Ledger; laxatives, well I have enough digestional issues on my own, no chemical aids needed; and unfortunately, I have too many morals for Coke. Ah, Coke would have been a sleigh ride on white powdery goodness into starvationville. Instead I am going to have to walk there, hungry and cold.
There are some ground rules:
1. No carbs after 7pm. No crackers, bread, rice pilaf, potatoes, chips, whatever. Din din will consist of protein and veggies. My concession is that I'm allowing myself to buy $10 salads from joints in my neighborhood rather than making them myself. My laziness may have gotten me into the situation in the first place.
2. No added sugars. No cookies, no ice cream, no fake ice cream, no free samples of brownies from the bakery downstairs that you never counted on your diet before, nada.
3. No booze. Sigh, this one is pretty obvious. Let's have a moment of silence.
4. No snacks. Snacks allowed only before workouts so I don't faint. Otherwise I'll need to follow number 5.
5. Water and gum are my saviors. W&G are acceptable at any time.
That's it, sounds easy right. Well I'm fucking starving right now based on this mantra. I was going to write out what I ate today but it seems like more when I write it down and I'm fucking starving. I'll let you know the portions were small, the food was bland, and I chewed A LOT of gum. Every day I'm going to try to emulate those girls, you know, THOSE girls. Speak their language, follow their mantras, and try not to lose friends or ruin my relationship in the process.
I'm not sure if those girls workout with their BFs, I certainly don't, but tomorrow we're going to give it a shot. We're going to jog together. We're going to be one of those couples who jogs together, then goes to Starbucks and splits a muffin because its simply "too much" for just one of them to eat. Except we're not going to Starbucks, and if I had it my way we would get our own muffins. I just want to state for the record that muffins are in no way part of this run tomorrow, just a sick fantasy I just had.
Well, I'm pretty sure those girls have BFs, and maybe their BFs make them run because they call them fat. And my BF agreed to go running with me when I casually only half asked him slash he kinda asked too but thought I would be mad for suggesting it. So that's almost like he was calling me fat.
Next stop, a those girl jog with BF in tow.
For reasons that we do not need to go into, I gained some weight recently. Usually I would start dieting and exercise per usual and get over it. However, I have some time constraints to my weight loss due to a wedding that I'm in next weekend. This is not just me feeling bad about myself spurring this sudden weight loss, but my inability to completely zip my bridesmaids dress closed. This is weight loss for survival, because if I cannot wear this dress in two weeks, the bride may in fact kill me. So saddle up ladies, its time to get hungry and the only thing that is going to get me through it is this blog.
Rather than take the bulimic, pill popping, or coke snorting routes, I have decided to settle for some good old fashioned mild anorexia. Making myself throw up is only something I reserve for when I've had too much to drink; diet pills would give me too much anxiety about accidental overdoses ala Heath Ledger; laxatives, well I have enough digestional issues on my own, no chemical aids needed; and unfortunately, I have too many morals for Coke. Ah, Coke would have been a sleigh ride on white powdery goodness into starvationville. Instead I am going to have to walk there, hungry and cold.
There are some ground rules:
1. No carbs after 7pm. No crackers, bread, rice pilaf, potatoes, chips, whatever. Din din will consist of protein and veggies. My concession is that I'm allowing myself to buy $10 salads from joints in my neighborhood rather than making them myself. My laziness may have gotten me into the situation in the first place.
2. No added sugars. No cookies, no ice cream, no fake ice cream, no free samples of brownies from the bakery downstairs that you never counted on your diet before, nada.
3. No booze. Sigh, this one is pretty obvious. Let's have a moment of silence.
4. No snacks. Snacks allowed only before workouts so I don't faint. Otherwise I'll need to follow number 5.
5. Water and gum are my saviors. W&G are acceptable at any time.
That's it, sounds easy right. Well I'm fucking starving right now based on this mantra. I was going to write out what I ate today but it seems like more when I write it down and I'm fucking starving. I'll let you know the portions were small, the food was bland, and I chewed A LOT of gum. Every day I'm going to try to emulate those girls, you know, THOSE girls. Speak their language, follow their mantras, and try not to lose friends or ruin my relationship in the process.
I'm not sure if those girls workout with their BFs, I certainly don't, but tomorrow we're going to give it a shot. We're going to jog together. We're going to be one of those couples who jogs together, then goes to Starbucks and splits a muffin because its simply "too much" for just one of them to eat. Except we're not going to Starbucks, and if I had it my way we would get our own muffins. I just want to state for the record that muffins are in no way part of this run tomorrow, just a sick fantasy I just had.
Well, I'm pretty sure those girls have BFs, and maybe their BFs make them run because they call them fat. And my BF agreed to go running with me when I casually only half asked him slash he kinda asked too but thought I would be mad for suggesting it. So that's almost like he was calling me fat.
Next stop, a those girl jog with BF in tow.
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