Only Diet Pills and Water until Prom!

Ok so this is not a blog to give you inspiration about dieting. This is a blog about those girls, and how I've become one of them....for a short time. You know, one of THOSE girls. Those girls in high school who would diet before prom, or throw up there, or get an abortion later...or all three. Those girls who in college did coke to stay thin, still threw up, and had abortions. Those girls who were always on some crazy ass diet willing to sacrifice anything to be thin, and usually were. Well, I'm not one of those girls but I've run into a situation in which I need to channel their crazy discipline and disregard for health, to put vanity above hunger and normalcy, and to give up booze only because its extra cals.

For reasons that we do not need to go into, I gained some weight recently. Usually I would start dieting and exercise per usual and get over it. However, I have some time constraints to my weight loss due to a wedding that I'm in next weekend. This is not just me feeling bad about myself spurring this sudden weight loss, but my inability to completely zip my bridesmaids dress closed. This is weight loss for survival, because if I cannot wear this dress in two weeks, the bride may in fact kill me. So saddle up ladies, its time to get hungry and the only thing that is going to get me through it is this blog.

Rather than take the bulimic, pill popping, or coke snorting routes, I have decided to settle for some good old fashioned mild anorexia. Making myself throw up is only something I reserve for when I've had too much to drink; diet pills would give me too much anxiety about accidental overdoses ala Heath Ledger; laxatives, well I have enough digestional issues on my own, no chemical aids needed; and unfortunately, I have too many morals for Coke. Ah, Coke would have been a sleigh ride on white powdery goodness into starvationville. Instead I am going to have to walk there, hungry and cold.

There are some ground rules:
1. No carbs after 7pm. No crackers, bread, rice pilaf, potatoes, chips, whatever. Din din will consist of protein and veggies. My concession is that I'm allowing myself to buy $10 salads from joints in my neighborhood rather than making them myself. My laziness may have gotten me into the situation in the first place.
2. No added sugars. No cookies, no ice cream, no fake ice cream, no free samples of brownies from the bakery downstairs that you never counted on your diet before, nada.
3. No booze. Sigh, this one is pretty obvious. Let's have a moment of silence.
4. No snacks. Snacks allowed only before workouts so I don't faint. Otherwise I'll need to follow number 5.
5. Water and gum are my saviors. W&G are acceptable at any time.

That's it, sounds easy right. Well I'm fucking starving right now based on this mantra. I was going to write out what I ate today but it seems like more when I write it down and I'm fucking starving. I'll let you know the portions were small, the food was bland, and I chewed A LOT of gum. Every day I'm going to try to emulate those girls, you know, THOSE girls. Speak their language, follow their mantras, and try not to lose friends or ruin my relationship in the process.

I'm not sure if those girls workout with their BFs, I certainly don't, but tomorrow we're going to give it a shot. We're going to jog together. We're going to be one of those couples who jogs together, then goes to Starbucks and splits a muffin because its simply "too much" for just one of them to eat. Except we're not going to Starbucks, and if I had it my way we would get our own muffins. I just want to state for the record that muffins are in no way part of this run tomorrow, just a sick fantasy I just had.

Well, I'm pretty sure those girls have BFs, and maybe their BFs make them run because they call them fat. And my BF agreed to go running with me when I casually only half asked him slash he kinda asked too but thought I would be mad for suggesting it. So that's almost like he was calling me fat.

Next stop, a those girl jog with BF in tow.